I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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