Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
