I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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