I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
