she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
