just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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