what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
