you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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