Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
