Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
