So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
