onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
