I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
