Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Soap is not a condiment
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
