someone get that fucking seahorse.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
