ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
