At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
