So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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