If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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