if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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