And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
