He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
