When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
