I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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