you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
