The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's the barista slut.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
