i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she peed on how many people?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
