Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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