It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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