I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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