I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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