"it" just moved
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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