Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
