Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
