I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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