I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
