you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
