Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
