apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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