Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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