Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
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I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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