So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
