he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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