i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
