and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
