Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
