There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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