Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
This is not my ceiling
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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