A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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