i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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