Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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