I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
