I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
