9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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