chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
only you would photoshop your dick
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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