where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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