he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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