you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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