my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
