I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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