too bad you live with your parents still
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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