Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
